5 Coaches on the Proverbial Chopping Block
Herm Edwards hates speculating on coaches who might get fired. Every time a host asks him, “Who’s getting the axe?” he usually responds, “Eeeeehh. I don’t like getting into that.”
However, Ole Butch is not nearly as gracious or as classy as Herm Edwards. So, here are my Top 5 (Low 5?) coaches who may not survive to 2014. Just hold on a sec while I retrieve my sharpening stone.
1. Rex ‘Toe Sucka’ Ryan. This is almost too easy. C’mon. The dude is unraveling and the regular season hasn’t even commenced. The new GM John Idzik wants Geno Smith in. Unfortunately, Smith sucks. In my opinion, he’s going to be a spectacular bust. Just something about him that reeks. Maybe it’s the Jay Z aftershave “High Karate” (get it, high?). Naturally, Rex wants to win NOW, or more accurately, suck less, thus he wants Sanchize to start (insert butt fumble image here). What happens? Sanchize gets hurt in preseason garbage time. Rex, sometimes the universe tries to tell you something, and it’s generally best to heed it.
2. Jason Garrett. Garrett’s such a lackey, he doesn’t even get a nickname. He’s like those random hoods in the old Batman series. They don’t get names just “Thug 1, Thug 2.” It’s not necessarily Garret’s fault. Sith Overlord Jerry Jones hired Garrett BECAUSE he is a lackey. As such, Garrett’s success is knotted with Jones. That’s unfortunate for Garrett because Jones has already admitted he would have fired himself! Well, that’s not bloody likely, so he’ll do the next best thing and terminate Garrett, and much like Dark Sidious move on to the next disposable Sith apprentice (holo-paging Mr. Smith, Mr. Lovie Smith).
3. Gym Shorts, or for the humorless, Jim Schwartz. This is such a perfect name for him. He reminds me of the HS coaches I had who wore those skimpy gym shorts which barely covered their junk. They’d get right behind me while I squatted and “spotted me” grunting and yelping. Seems a little askew, right? Yeah, this Jim Schwartz character is a little off kilter too; “Haurbaugh-gate” was just the tip of the iceberg. Believe it or not, the Lions sport a talented roster but seemingly always underachieve. That’s typically the sign of bad coaching. This might not be lost on GM Martin Mayhew, especially if the Lions pick top 10 again. Lions are 22-42 under Schwartz be with you. I think Lion’s ownership and fans have experienced enough top 10 drafts to last three lifetimes.
4. Ron “Chico” Rivera. I gotta say, I like him (a little biased here), but the new NFL trends are kicking defensive minded HCs to the curb. Cam Newton is entering his third year. He’s no longer a rookie, and the leeway Rivera once had is no more, especially since not one, but TWO rookie QBs lead their teams to the playoffs last season (Luck and RG3). So why can’t the Panthers do it in Cam‘s third year? Not only did the Panthers miss the playoffs in 2012, but ended sub .500 (7-9). Nevertheless, they did finish strong going 4-1 in the last five games when they scrapped the read-option, so some hope still glimmers. The Falcons and Saints aren’t going to make it easy though, and an 8-8ish record might send Rivera packing.
5. Mike “I’m no Munchkin” Munchak. This is a bit of a wild card because they went 9-7 under him in the first year, but then went 6-10 last season and seemed in complete disarray. CJ?K was whining about his Oline, and for good reason. Well, the Titans drafted OG Chance Warmack with the 10th overall pick, then went out and spent a whole lot of chetta on OG Andy Levitre. In fact, the Titans went on a “quiet” binge this offseason spending $110 million on FAs like Levitre and Pollard which leads me to believe that 90 yr old owner Bud Adams wants to see the light on this end of the tunnel and not the other. 90 year old billionaires tend to be unpredictable though.
I understand Herm Edward’s reluctance to predict which coaches won’t be here next season. He was, after all, a coach himself and still feels like part of that brotherhood. Also, it never should be fun rooting for someone’s employment to end…BUT… that’s in the real world, not the NFL. It’s not like these coaches are forced to move to Calcutta and become beggars. Many of them find cushy jobs as commentators, hosts, or return to the college ranks. Lovie Smith recently was booted and is now getting paid $5 million to stare at those wide Texas clouds, so play me the smallest violin while I get out the big axe.